A busted window
A car that doesn't start
A leaking sink
A Torn Mattress
A broken bed frame
All need to be repaired, fixed or replaced.
Did you notice how I didn't mention you?
Not anywhere in that list does it say that YOU a human being need to be repaired, fixed or replaced.
The world is CONSTANTLY telling you, you need to be fixed, you need to change, you have to be happier, you need to be "better", your body needs to be different, you need to be available to others.
BUT WHAT IF NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU?
What if your body, your desires, your emotions were NEVER a problem?
You, me and EVERYONE has been fucking conditioned to be so incredibly obsessed with "healing and fixing" that you get trapped in the becoming your "best" self vortex.
Maybe you've read all the self help books, taken classes, hired a coach, done the therapy. Maybe you've done all the processing. Maybe you've talked about the bad stuff in your life SO MUCH you've become desensitized.
I used to believe that something was always missing. That what I was doing, simply wasn't enough.
That when my intrusive thoughts would come back in, it meant there was something wrong with me.
When my depressive episodes come and go that I am not "healed enough".
That when things feel difficult it means I'm being too negative.
That when I am having intimate time in my relationships and something triggers me from my past sexual assaults.
That largely stopped night terrors was and is a small feat.
And here's the thing ALL of these things and more are a part of who I am. And when I try to continually fix them, alter them, change them, the sadder and harder my own life feels.
But when I make SPACE for them, that's where the juicy stuff lives. When I am honest with myself and I meet myself exactly where I am. My life is better when I am ALL OF ME. And you are too.
So heal, make space, use compassion but do not get fixated on fixing yourself. You are not something that needs to be fixed you are whole and complete just as you are.
Would you write down things you don't really love, just to have something on the paper?
Would you have nothing to write?
There is no right or wrong answer just something for you to ponder.
After you ponder this, or if your super brave and make a list. Its very important to ask yourself why.
Not just the surface level stuff like
"I'm over weight"
"I wish my stomach was smaller"
"My arms are too jiggly"
"My cellulite is icky"
But the deep questions:
By what standard am I "Over Weight"
Why do I believe my weight is a part of moral characters
I love extra soft hugs from my mother and grandmother, so why is it bad that my arms are jiggly?
When I started asking myself DIFFERENT questions, honestly better questions my body image changed drastically.
Last year I went to a retreat with Ember and Solis Where I did a group activity with all of the women and we wrote down things that we liked about each others body and each person read them out loud while looking at themselves in front of a mirror.
The smiles we witnessed together, and the quiet awe was absolutely breath taking.
This retreat was my own re-confirmation that exploring the relationship we have with our bodies through community, art and pure connection is the magic we have been missing.
This is why I am continually hosting immersive art experiences, facilitating retreats and spaces for us (women) to come together in community.
Why I am always seeking out community with other women. So that I know I am not alone. So that other women know that they are not alone. So that we can each learn to love exactly where and how we are in every single moment.
the inner gooey parts of me
demanded to be seen
asked to be heard
begged to be loved
and I tried
oh. how. I. tried.
to force the gooiest parts of me into submission
not for my own well being
but for the perceived comfort of another
when I finally stopped trying to shape her,
these pieces I tried to hide
burst forth in a rush of rich, gooey, delight...
chanting: I am not for everyone
Fear of being seen in the body you have today.
Possibly shame over how your body looks.
Possibly shame of nudity and being comfortable in your skin.
Because you believe that it is deficient in some way.
Fear of being authentically seen and heard as you are in this moment, is one of the core symptoms of our wounding.
This fear stretches through the pages of history.
Especially when women were burned for being “different”. They were accused of practicing malicious magic and exiled, imprisoned, tortured and even killed.
When was the last time you hid your uniqueness, your magic?
Of letting your light shine freely?
Of sharing your magic with the world?
I definitely have. For much of my life, I lashed out in anger, false confidence, lies and self loathing. I would do things, but be completely miserable.
I would downplay what I loved and wanted, silence my truth, set no boundaries and try to be this resulted in me downplaying my passions & talents, silencing my truths, breaking my own boundaries, hiding my unconventional interests, my sensuality and connection to my sensuality by diminishing my own magic and power.
And while I have come so far in my journey to be seen. Sometimes it is still hard. Sometimes it is scary as fuck, even for me.
(At one of my art shows and experiences I ended up having to MC and I literally threw up. I was so nervous. I was hyperventilating and it took all of my strength just to do it.)
The world can be a cruel place, and baring your soul, your body, the intimate gooey parts for others to see can feel truly terrifying & threatening.
…But it also UNLOCKS soooo much fucking magic!
It is true that by stepping out of the shadows & allowing yourself to be authentically seen, you may have to forfeit certain aspects of your life, your comfort zone, conformity, societal approval and possibly even relationships.
But by not shining in your truth, you forfeit something even greater — your own peace, juicy pleasure joy, your fucking power and magic.
In allowing myself to be authentically seen, I have deepened almost every IMPORTANT connection in my life.
In allowing myself to be authentically seen, I expanded my ability to hold and be present for ALL of my emotions, the big, the scary and the pleasure.
In allowing myself to be authentically seen, I have come to truly offer myself, all of myself (the shadows too) compassion, acceptance and compassion, that I used to find difficult to face.
In allowing myself to be authentically seen, I have more compassion for others, their shadows, and their liberation.
So, yes I have had to let SO much of my old self go. But I have gained infinitely more. And you will too.
From a personal standpoint and from the standpoint of the hundreds of women I have shared space and experiences with. I highly suggest joining a community of sisters to see you as you are. It is brave as fuck and it will allow you to openly explore with others all of the pieces you may be worried about being seen.
If you are looking for a perfect experience, sign up for my email list. Or check out this event Becoming Art.
You are the fucking magic, right now. It starts with being seen!
I know how scary it can feel to get together with a group of women and talk about the intimate, gooey, dark, personal parts of yourself. Before I started my journey I was judgmental, jealous and had a deep rooted belief that I thought was fact, that I couldn’t have what all these women had, healing and sisterhood.
I deeply and secretly wanted it, craved it. But I just “knew” that it wasn’t for me, that I would never be “okay” enough. I watched women go to retreats together, talk about their experiences with one another. I watched women gather together for workshops, classes, and support groups. I listened to women talk about how they felt less alone when they heard the stories of another woman.
I remember going to my first little event watching, hardly speaking. Feeling out of place, raw and uncomfortable.
But something happened,
a woman Julie shared that she would have a reoccurring nightmare about the man who raped her. She told us the details and she cried and the women in this group didn’t recoil, they didn’t shame her, they allowed her space to share, to feel her feelings.
They sat with her as she cried, they asked if she would like a hug, they respected her request to not be touched. And while hearing what she had to say was difficult in that moment I had never been so grateful for vulnerability. It was the first time in my life when I felt like I wasn’t alone.
It took me many years to understand what being in community with women really looked like. What it meant for my own wellbeing, for the collective wellbeing of all of us.
So while it may feel scary and terrifying, it is sacred, it is healing to come together with other women, it is incredibly special.
Something that we must work on collectively and individually are listed before. With some small insights into how to process them. We are greater together. We are more when we are taking care of each other.
Curiosity > Judgment
Every time you judge another woman you are keeping yourself isolated. Every time you judge another woman you are deepening the distance between you and them.
When we get curious we stop judging.
Collaboration > Competition
Trying to get the same man, competing for attention amongst friends, having the “better body” or fighting for the same client or job. The competition is endless. It’s been ingrained in us.
Because we didn’t want to be in competition with our friends when we were little girls, we would dim our light, afraid of outshining each other because that might have us lose a friend or be cast out from the group. Either way, we would lose.
We must collaborate with one another, celebrate one another. We have no need to compete with one another.
Vulnerability > Hurt Feelings
Hurt feelings come from unmet expectations. Hurt feelings come from where you are seeking love. A part of you that didn’t/isn’t feeling validated. Maybe you felt like your feelings didn’t matter. Maybe you felt like your heart was stepped or stomped on.
When we become vulnerable and own our emotions our relationships alter drastically.
Example: I felt [insert emotion] when you said or did [insert action/words] it reminded me of [past event this is bringing up] I’m curious as to what was going on for you when you did/said. I don’t want to make assumptions.
Satisfaction > Jealousy
Being satisfied with what you have, who you are, in the body you are in will serve you far more than being jealous. Each bit of jealousy you feel is a window into something that you want or crave. Each time you are jealous of the money another woman has, the love that she has, the perceived success, her friendships, her body, there is something there that you want that you are not meeting for yourself. You can go after whatever you want, you can do and have whatever YOU want.
Facing your jealousy is brave as fuck. Questioning your jealousy with curiosity and understanding that its a window to your own desires is so important.
When we face these things with ourselves and with our fellow women we begin to open up space for MORE fucking love and more compassion.