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the inner gooey parts of me
demanded to be seen asked to be heard begged to be loved and I tried oh. how. I. tried. to force the gooiest parts of me into submission to conform... not for my own well being but for the perceived comfort of another when I finally stopped trying to shape her, these pieces I tried to hide burst forth in a rush of rich, gooey, delight... chanting: I am not for everyone 
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Fear of being seen in the body you have today. Possibly shame over how your body looks. Possibly shame of nudity and being comfortable in your skin. Because you believe that it is deficient in some way. Fear of being authentically seen and heard as you are in this moment, is one of the core symptoms of our wounding. This fear stretches through the pages of history. Especially when women were burned for being “different”. They were accused of practicing malicious magic and exiled, imprisoned, tortured and even killed. When was the last time you hid your uniqueness, your magic? Of letting your light shine freely? Of sharing your magic with the world? I definitely have. For much of my life, I lashed out in anger, false confidence, lies and self loathing. I would do things, but be completely miserable. I would downplay what I loved and wanted, silence my truth, set no boundaries and try to be this resulted in me downplaying my passions & talents, silencing my truths, breaking my own boundaries, hiding my unconventional interests, my sensuality and connection to my sensuality by diminishing my own magic and power. And while I have come so far in my journey to be seen. Sometimes it is still hard. Sometimes it is scary as fuck, even for me. (At one of my art shows and experiences I ended up having to MC and I literally threw up. I was so nervous. I was hyperventilating and it took all of my strength just to do it.) The world can be a cruel place, and baring your soul, your body, the intimate gooey parts for others to see can feel truly terrifying & threatening. …But it also UNLOCKS soooo much fucking magic! It is true that by stepping out of the shadows & allowing yourself to be authentically seen, you may have to forfeit certain aspects of your life, your comfort zone, conformity, societal approval and possibly even relationships. But by not shining in your truth, you forfeit something even greater — your own peace, juicy pleasure joy, your fucking power and magic. In allowing myself to be authentically seen, I have deepened almost every IMPORTANT connection in my life. In allowing myself to be authentically seen, I expanded my ability to hold and be present for ALL of my emotions, the big, the scary and the pleasure. In allowing myself to be authentically seen, I have come to truly offer myself, all of myself (the shadows too) compassion, acceptance and compassion, that I used to find difficult to face. In allowing myself to be authentically seen, I have more compassion for others, their shadows, and their liberation. So, yes I have had to let SO much of my old self go. But I have gained infinitely more. And you will too. From a personal standpoint and from the standpoint of the hundreds of women I have shared space and experiences with. I highly suggest joining a community of sisters to see you as you are. It is brave as fuck and it will allow you to openly explore with others all of the pieces you may be worried about being seen. If you are looking for a perfect experience, sign up for my email list. Or check out this event Becoming Art. You are the fucking magic, right now. It starts with being seen! XO, TIffany I know how scary it can feel to get together with a group of women and talk about the intimate, gooey, dark, personal parts of yourself. Before I started my journey I was judgmental, jealous and had a deep rooted belief that I thought was fact, that I couldn’t have what all these women had, healing and sisterhood. I deeply and secretly wanted it, craved it. But I just “knew” that it wasn’t for me, that I would never be “okay” enough. I watched women go to retreats together, talk about their experiences with one another. I watched women gather together for workshops, classes, and support groups. I listened to women talk about how they felt less alone when they heard the stories of another woman. I remember going to my first little event watching, hardly speaking. Feeling out of place, raw and uncomfortable. But something happened, a woman Julie shared that she would have a reoccurring nightmare about the man who raped her. She told us the details and she cried and the women in this group didn’t recoil, they didn’t shame her, they allowed her space to share, to feel her feelings. They sat with her as she cried, they asked if she would like a hug, they respected her request to not be touched. And while hearing what she had to say was difficult in that moment I had never been so grateful for vulnerability. It was the first time in my life when I felt like I wasn’t alone. It took me many years to understand what being in community with women really looked like. What it meant for my own wellbeing, for the collective wellbeing of all of us. So while it may feel scary and terrifying, it is sacred, it is healing to come together with other women, it is incredibly special. Something that we must work on collectively and individually are listed before. With some small insights into how to process them. We are greater together. We are more when we are taking care of each other. Curiosity > Judgment Every time you judge another woman you are keeping yourself isolated. Every time you judge another woman you are deepening the distance between you and them. When we get curious we stop judging. Collaboration > Competition Trying to get the same man, competing for attention amongst friends, having the “better body” or fighting for the same client or job. The competition is endless. It’s been ingrained in us. Because we didn’t want to be in competition with our friends when we were little girls, we would dim our light, afraid of outshining each other because that might have us lose a friend or be cast out from the group. Either way, we would lose. We must collaborate with one another, celebrate one another. We have no need to compete with one another. Vulnerability > Hurt Feelings Hurt feelings come from unmet expectations. Hurt feelings come from where you are seeking love. A part of you that didn’t/isn’t feeling validated. Maybe you felt like your feelings didn’t matter. Maybe you felt like your heart was stepped or stomped on. When we become vulnerable and own our emotions our relationships alter drastically. Example: I felt [insert emotion] when you said or did [insert action/words] it reminded me of [past event this is bringing up] I’m curious as to what was going on for you when you did/said. I don’t want to make assumptions. Satisfaction > Jealousy Being satisfied with what you have, who you are, in the body you are in will serve you far more than being jealous. Each bit of jealousy you feel is a window into something that you want or crave. Each time you are jealous of the money another woman has, the love that she has, the perceived success, her friendships, her body, there is something there that you want that you are not meeting for yourself. You can go after whatever you want, you can do and have whatever YOU want. Facing your jealousy is brave as fuck. Questioning your jealousy with curiosity and understanding that its a window to your own desires is so important. When we face these things with ourselves and with our fellow women we begin to open up space for MORE fucking love and more compassion. XO, Tiffany |
