A busted window
A car that doesn't start
A leaking sink
A Torn Mattress
A broken bed frame
All need to be repaired, fixed or replaced.
Did you notice how I didn't mention you?
Not anywhere in that list does it say that YOU a human being need to be repaired, fixed or replaced.
The world is CONSTANTLY telling you, you need to be fixed, you need to change, you have to be happier, you need to be "better", your body needs to be different, you need to be available to others.
BUT WHAT IF NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU?
What if your body, your desires, your emotions were NEVER a problem?
You, me and EVERYONE has been fucking conditioned to be so incredibly obsessed with "healing and fixing" that you get trapped in the becoming your "best" self vortex.
Maybe you've read all the self help books, taken classes, hired a coach, done the therapy. Maybe you've done all the processing. Maybe you've talked about the bad stuff in your life SO MUCH you've become desensitized.
I used to believe that something was always missing. That what I was doing, simply wasn't enough.
That when my intrusive thoughts would come back in, it meant there was something wrong with me.
When my depressive episodes come and go that I am not "healed enough".
That when things feel difficult it means I'm being too negative.
That when I am having intimate time in my relationships and something triggers me from my past sexual assaults.
That largely stopped night terrors was and is a small feat.
And here's the thing ALL of these things and more are a part of who I am. And when I try to continually fix them, alter them, change them, the sadder and harder my own life feels.
But when I make SPACE for them, that's where the juicy stuff lives. When I am honest with myself and I meet myself exactly where I am. My life is better when I am ALL OF ME. And you are too.
So heal, make space, use compassion but do not get fixated on fixing yourself. You are not something that needs to be fixed you are whole and complete just as you are.
Would you write down things you don't really love, just to have something on the paper?
Would you have nothing to write?
There is no right or wrong answer just something for you to ponder.
After you ponder this, or if your super brave and make a list. Its very important to ask yourself why.
Not just the surface level stuff like
"I'm over weight"
"I wish my stomach was smaller"
"My arms are too jiggly"
"My cellulite is icky"
But the deep questions:
By what standard am I "Over Weight"
Why do I believe my weight is a part of moral characters
I love extra soft hugs from my mother and grandmother, so why is it bad that my arms are jiggly?
When I started asking myself DIFFERENT questions, honestly better questions my body image changed drastically.
Last year I went to a retreat with Ember and Solis Where I did a group activity with all of the women and we wrote down things that we liked about each others body and each person read them out loud while looking at themselves in front of a mirror.
The smiles we witnessed together, and the quiet awe was absolutely breath taking.
This retreat was my own re-confirmation that exploring the relationship we have with our bodies through community, art and pure connection is the magic we have been missing.
This is why I am continually hosting immersive art experiences, facilitating retreats and spaces for us (women) to come together in community.
Why I am always seeking out community with other women. So that I know I am not alone. So that other women know that they are not alone. So that we can each learn to love exactly where and how we are in every single moment.